Control.

It wasn’t that long ago that God closed a door in my life I was sure I was going to walk through. I thought in order to fulfill my calling I needed to do this thing I was adamant about doing. Turns out, I was wrong. It was painful at the time. I was at a point where I was desperate to find my passion and my calling. I tried to force a lot of things so I could find meaning and purpose instead of recognizing that I already had it. I had it because Christ had given it me, I just didn’t see it at the time.

You see, there is a very human desire in all of us to feel significant or even more than that, to feel important. I didn’t feel either of those. I was depressed, lonely and bored most of the time. It was at this time I cried out in desperation to the Lord. Don’t ask me why it takes us falling to our knees, at the end of our ropes before we recognize the desperate need we have every day, to be connected to something so much bigger than ourselves, to know that our plan is much smaller than His plan and that if we surrender our tight hold on the things we think we can control maybe, just maybe, He will do something far greater than we could have imagined for ourselves.

*Deep Breath*

There are things I know to be true about God and His character, things like: He cares about me … He listens to me … He answers me, albeit in His timeline… He is faithful even when I am not … He is true … He is merciful …and He is loving. I also know these things about God do not depend on me, my behavior, my actions, or my thoughts. God is a God who works independently from a creation that is completely dependent upon Him. And you know when we recognize that the most? In the desperate moments, in the dark and quiet moments, in the moments we let ourselves be still enough to let the pain of life wash over us.

I have a few challenging questions:

What does it take until you are willing to get on your knees and pray in desperation? What does it take for you to recognize that you actually don’t control anything in life? How many of your relationships are broken because you couldn’t control what the other person thought of you, heard from you, or how they treated you or even harder to reconcile, how you treated them? How many situations have you botched because at the time you thought you could control them?

Here is the truth:

God is weaving a thread in each of our tapestries and if we take a moment to look back, we can catch glimpses or see broader pieces of where He was working even if we didn’t notice it at the time. In my short time on this earth, my tapestry is already full of times where I have been brought to my knees and once I am able to stand again, I am stronger for it, not because of something I could control, but because of all of the things that He could. In His timing. In His way. Most of the time I still stubbornly revert back to trying to control my life as though I never learned any lessons at all, but you know what? God still meets me there, faithfully, patiently and beautifully until I finally choose to surrender.

Let the words of David be comforting as he was fleeing from Saul for his life:

“Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me. He will send from heaven and save me; he will put to shame him who tramples on me. God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!” -Psalm 57:1-3

Intentional.

Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. -Isaiah 40: 30-31 ESV

For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe. - 1 Timothy 4:10 ESV

This past week it felt like God was putting pieces into place that have been floating in the abyss for a while. My last season, quite literally, felt scrambled and spastic. I felt like I was reacting to everything happening around me instead of preparing for anything. When I was at one thing, I was thinking about the next. I felt like I was leaving skid marks everywhere I went. I was trying so hard to show up to places and events I felt like I had to be. Have you ever had a season like that? Somehow, at least for me, I don’t fully recognize it until I finally have a chance to pause. To breathe.

Big inhale…big exhale.

The start of this year was that chance, to think about living with intentionality and set purpose. What would it mean to rest with purpose? What would it look like to carve out specific time for hospitality, ministry, “must-do‘s” and sabbath? Armed with these questions, it felt like the Lord was calling me into a season of surrender. I have a tendency to take WAY too much responsibility for others around me, attempting to “fix” the broken or save those who need saving. The Lord has been teaching me that I only get to be a PART of someone’s story, speaking truth when I feel Him tell me to press in, but I am by NO MEANS a Savior. Jesus came for all of us. All of our journeys are different. He is the only omniscient one. My limited scope is just that, limited.

I mess up. I need grace.

Everyone messes up. Everyone needs grace.

It is with this scope and these new resolutions that I began my new year, each week becoming more intentional than the last. This past week, I felt the Lord honor my intentionality. I got to say some hard things to someone I had on my heart, and the conversation was organic. I got to practice hospitality in several, meaningful ways. I got to say “yes” to stepping into a new role of leadership in ministry and I got to practice loving my husband well by planning a date night (and making sure it was in the budget *pushes up glasses* ).

It all sounds really lovely from that scope, but I also screwed up. A lot. I didn’t fully protect myself from something I should have and should have put way more thought into. I got nervous and fearful about what some other people might think about my leadership position. The week culminated in a rather expensive dinner, an intentional date night, where Dan and I paid a pretty price to sit and fight in a very tight, uncomfortable space on and off for an hour which led to an uncomfortable, quiet car ride home. I, being the more stubborn of the two, took longer to reconcile than I should have, and thankfully I have a very patient and loving husband.

The point is, even in intentionality, we mess up. I am flawed. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I don’t, and both are ok because both are covered by the love and grace of Jesus Christ.

Prayer: Lord, show me how to be brave, honest and true. Fill me up again. Direct my steps and help me to be thoughtful, kind and intentional with my actions and deeds. Amen.

Until next time,

Karly

Reflect.

Psalm 139:13-16

13 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

One of the hardest things I have ever done is self-reflect. We have so many layers, so many bandaids and false patterns of thinking and lies we have been told or told ourselves that layer upon each other and create a hard, man-made exterior. One of the tools I have been given to unpack these layers is called the Enneagram. It is a very popular tool, and one that has been extremely helpful for me and my family as well. It digs deep into the well of human thought and patterns of behavior and links us to those who see the world in similar ways. It also educates us on how other people see the world differently.

God made each of us to reflect certain aspects of Him, but in our fallen state we have twisted those into something that is not nearly as beautiful. The quality of God I reflect most is peacefulness or peacemaking, which sounds wonderful, right? Well it is when I am in a healthy place, but it can look like something very ugly when I am not. You see, what this means is that I don’t like conflict. At all. Therefore, I avoid it at all costs. Sometimes I “merge” with other people’s opinions in the moment, in order to keep the peace. Other times I get confused about what I actually think about a certain subject, because I cannot think clearly if someone else is very passionately stating their case. If a conflict gets heated, you might as well forget it because I’m out, meaning I will still be in the room, but I sure as heck am not putting in my two cents. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have strong convictions or things that I believe to the core of my being, it simply means I don’t often share those things in order to keep the peace if they conflict with someone else’s opinions. This does not mean that I am incapable of offending people. In fact, I do that often because I so often avoid conflict that I find it hard to be up front with people. The person on the receiving end of my passivity ends up confused or hurt when I begin avoiding them or use some other less direct way of coping with my conflict with them.

Self-reflection is a funny thing. You have to muddle through the weeds before you can see glimpses of a much more healthy version of you. Now that I am aware of the aforementioned patterns of behavior, I do not have to stay there in the weeds. Now, I can be aware of when I am doing those things and learn new patterns of behavior. WOOHOO! When in health, I am capable of mediating conflicts well and I can be very gentle when approaching someone with a tough word or something challenging. I can be very easygoing, meaning you will almost always get your pick of the restaurant, and can be a friend to most people.

These are just a small part of the things I have learned about myself. Here’s the thing. The Lord already knows all of the messy parts and all of the fallacies we have created and all the harmful lies we believe about ourselves AND HE LOVES US ANYWAY. He knit us together, He chose us from the beginning of time and His works are wonderful. You, my friend, are one of those works. In order to become more like Him, you must be honest with yourself about who you really are. What I have shared about myself above, is just ONE of MANY messy facets that make up the complexity of my being. Self-reflection is a constant need. I have better days than others when I am directly addressing weaknesses that I have, but I do know that the Lord has been there sanctifying me (making me look more like Jesus) every. single. day. Though we forget, we are not forgotten. Though we fall short, we do not fall away once we are in His fold. Though we clothe ourselves in lies and destructive behaviors, we are made right through the cross. I hope that you may find time to look deep into the mirror and reflect. Most of the time it is hard, grueling work, but it is so freeing and there is nothing more freeing than broken chains.

Until next time,

Karly

Something small.

Someone extremely wise once told me "you are called to something...small". We are all called according to the purposes in which Christ created us. Many of us, myself included, want those things to be glorious, wondrous, large, and to influence great numbers of people. That is how the world and how the human heart defines success. Fame, fortunate, notoriety. Here is the thing: we aren't promised those things. And time and time again scripture shows us people who achieved those things and failed miserably. Even those who at first were seeking God. This isn't to say there aren't wonderful people and figureheads to look up to or that God doesn't place people in larger spheres of influence. This is just to say, I am not convinced that this is something we should be aspiring to. The gospel influences lives in a vast number of ways and I do not wish to limit those to my narrow scope of life. However, if fame and fortune are the things our hearts most desires, I think that is mostly a desire for ourselves and to promote us, not the One who created us. If Moses, one of the biggest contenders in the Old Testament, had to be honed for 40 years in the desert before he could start his journey with the Israelites, then I am betting our journeys are going to look more like that rather than "insert famous insta-star or famous youtuber here". If we are called to something small, what is it that we are called to? It has been my experience that God wants you to start exactly where you are. Actively begin praying for the spheres of influence you are already in. Ask God to give you opportunities to have real and meaningful conversations with people he has placed in your life and to give you the courage and the wisdom to know when he is wanting you to speak up. I think so often I daydream about what I would do if I were more well-known. How I would influence people, what I would say, how I would be Uber-influential. But here's the extremely hard part.. am I doing those things now? Often the answer is no. Why would I think I would be any different with more power and more pressure to perform than I am right in this moment? If I don't intentionally live life in wherever it is that I am and don't practice doing so, I will not be equipped for anything "bigger" because I am not even equipped for the here and now. What about you? Are you like Moses being honed in the desert or are you starting your journey with the Israelites? Wherever you are in your journey, I hope and pray that you are able to see how God is molding and shaping you because you and I are called to something small. 

"Come, I will send you to Pharoah that you may bring my people, the children of Israel, out of Egypt." - Exodus 3:10

Until next time,

Karly

Purge.

Psalm 51: 7-10

"Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart O God, and renew a right spirit within me."

This psalm has been on my mind and my heart for a while now. I love how David is fervently praying to be renewed. This psalm is thought to be written after his misdeeds with Bathsheba (you know, that whole thing where he saw her bathing and decided he wanted her for himself, so he had her husband killed in the front battle lines after learning that he had impregnated Bathsheba anyone else find it funny too that her name is Bath- sheba?) If that story seems unfamiliar to you, it can be found in 2 Samuel 11.

The verses I highlighted at the top spoke to me in particular this morning. I have made this psalm a semi-regular part of my prayer time recently and am reminded constantly of how amazing it is that David is not only praying and writing about his current situation, but prophetically bestows a picture of Christ and the cleansing that is to come. As I was reading this morning, I was moved to write down the things that God spoke to me, as follows:

You are mine, dear one, beloved... No one else gets to lay claim to you. I crafted every fiber of your being and breathed life into your delicate bones. I styled your personality, your laugh, your facial features and expressions. I MAKE NO MISTAKES. I am your Father.

Just as a house needs to be swept clean time and time again, so does your heart. You on your own value wickedness and deceit but I cherish beauty and wholeness. You cannot have wholeness without me. You must gaze up in order to trudge onward in this present wilderness. Let my stars be your guide. I have created wonders beyond human imagination. You limit me with the weakness of your thoughts and mind. The spiritual battle is being hard-fought and won daily by my light and goodness. Without me, no one could produce such things. Love, light, laughter and intimacy -- these were mine I shared with you. There's more to come beloved. There are caverns and treasures and there is wholeness to be found as your soul travels on. Steer your bough toward me and my righteousness. Sanctification is a tough and treacherous journey. Let the old fall away and the newness restore you. Do not limit me in your thoughts and your mind. I created your imagination, so trust me I am bigger than it.

While you muddle through life in the trenches, seeking fresh air and being distracted by things that dimly shine, I am up high in the heights of the mountains and down low in the depths of the sea. I created fish and creatures no one will ever discover, just because it pleased me. I created flowers and plants and sustenance, daily manna for my people. Come and sit at my table and share with me your deepest thoughts, questions and desires. In my mysterious ways, I will answer and shape you until it is time for you to come home. And when you come, I will welcome you with open arms. You are mine and I love you.

Be at rest O wanderer; Your soul has found its resting place.

Well there you have it.

Until next time,

Karly

Greater

This morning I was struck by how small-minded I can be. My thoughts are easily swayed by culture or what this world says would be great. I try to force God down to my size and fail to imagine that He could be anything more than I could fathom. What a stupid thing to do! How could I limit an unlimited God? How can I put parameters on what God can or can't do?

In Matthew Chapter 16, starting in Verse 13 Jesus begins to question his disciples about who people think that He is. Immediately they start to declare what others have said about him "some say John the Baptist, some say Elijah, and others say Jeremiah or one of the prophets". When he asks them about their thoughts on the matter, Peter (always quick to speak his mind) says "You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God". In that moment, Peter gets it. He recognizes the significance of whose presence he's in. What a powerful thing! BUT just a few verses later, Peter finds out that the plan for Jesus is suffering and death. According to Peter, this isn't a good plan. So he takes Jesus aside and tells him that this can't be! There it is. There's the humanity rearing its ugly head. Did you catch it? Just like me, Peter tried to tell God what the plan was. God couldn't possibly have gotten this right, the Messiah needs to be told by good ole Peter what is actually going to happen. Peter > God.

When I stop to think about it, this seems so absurd! How can Peter think he has the right to tell Jesus the plan? Then I think, Oh, that's what I do all. the. time.

My prayer this morning is that I would stop trying to limit an unlimited God. That I would recognize that I'm the one who needs to learn to follow what God's plan is, not try to force Him into my little box.

God can do immeasurably more than we can dream or imagine. And I for one, cannot wait to see what's in store.

Until next time,

Karly

Matthew 16: 13-23; Ephesians 3:20

Faithfulness

What does it mean to be faithful? To be committed to something or someone? To remain loyal? To put your trust in something? To follow something or someone no matter the cost?

In Proverbs 20 verse 6 it says “Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love, but a faithful man who can find?” (esv). What a challenging question! “…a faithful man who can find?” Are we loyal and faithful people? Do we stick to our cause and convictions, or are we easily swayed? I know that it is really tough for me to stick to what I think that the Lord is telling me.

I have now reached a two-year milestone in marriage, which has marked a point in my personal journey as well. I have been struggling for two years to figure out what direction my life is supposed to take, what the Lord has in store for me and what His will is for my life. The path has been rocky at best. There have been so many questions, so many prayers, such angst and confusion as I watch my husband grow and prosper in his profession, while I seem to lag behind. I have tried many things and even swayed from what I knew to be true of myself and who God created me to be, not in a rebellious way, just in a sense of confusion (i.e. I started applying for jobs in the business world (yuck)). I have been motivated from everything from people’s opinions to the amount of money I think I should be making to thinking I was destined for boredom and failure. None of those things sound like very faithful thoughts do they?

The Lord did not leave me in those dark places and He heard my prayers despite my disbelief. He taught me that he had not placed gifts and abilities in my life to tell me that I could not do them. I have the gift and the curse of being musically and artistically minded. People will constantly tell you that there are very few stable jobs for those pursuing these sorts of gifts. It can be very discouraging, especially when everyone surrounding you is a freaking accountant (husband, mom, dad…). When I finally started working towards something that I had always secretly wanted to do (worship ministry), the doors finally started opening. I realized that regardless of my doubts of my own skills and abilities, the Lord wanted me to be a worship leader. He was calling me to use my exact skills and abilities in a meaningful and impactful way. This is something that I had greatly desired in all my failed career attempts and the reason I was so restless and unhappy with the things I had done thus far. While I still have a ways to go, I finally have a direction and a goal to work toward. I am starting a program that is going to not only teach me the skills necessary, but also mentor me and dig into my heart so that I can be a leader with integrity and heart behind my passion and calling. That’s pretty amazing right?? I also realize that all of the time I spent coming to this conclusion was not wasted, it was a necessary time to grow and learn certain things about myself and to grow me as an individual. It was a time to sacrifice some of my desires and needs in order to support my brand new (and very handsome) husband. I still expect the journey to be hard and bumpy, but I know now what it means to trust Lord and to listen to His voice instead of what anyone else has to say and it is my prayer that I would do this moving forward on a regular basis. And now I leave you with an oldie but a goodie,

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart” Jeremiah 29:11-13 (esv).

Until next time…

Karly

Brokenness

Someone asked me not too long ago if I had ever come to a place of brokenness. A place where I was so wrecked that I could depend on nothing but God and His promises for me. As a people pleaser/”good girl”, I immediately wanted to answer yes, but upon deeper reflection I realized that I had not. Sure, I have been through tough times where I have prayed a little more or tried to up my qt’s (quiet times), but I have never come to a place where I have had to rely solely and completely on the gospel truth and nothing else.

I heard a man speak recently about the concept of worship or what it means to worship something. He said something along the lines of worship can be anything we choose to focus on as a human. We can worship anything that consumes our thoughts, attitudes or behaviors. While these two words “brokenness” and “worship” may seem unconnected, I think that they are actually interdependent when it comes to worship in the sense of faith or the gospel. If we are not broken by our own sin, complacency, inadequacy, fill-in-the-blank-with-whatever-word-that-means-you-don’t-measure-up-here, then can we truly worship the Creator of the Universe?

When we come to a trial in our lives, do we rely on ourselves, others, or the only One who can actually and truly help? I know for me it’s usually myself, then my husband, then God. In that sad hierarchal order. I feel as if I am setting out on a journey. A journey to find out what true brokenness looks like, what it means to truly trust that what the Lord has in store for me is for my good, and what it means to have faith in the midst of the trials of life.

“For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him.” 2 Chronicles 16:9 NKJV

Until next time-

Karly

Hearing God

This past week in my school we have been learning about the different ways God speaks to us. God can speak to each of us in unique and different ways (i.e. audibly, through dreams, visions, scripture, etc). We were encouraged and challenged to sit in the presence of God and to just listen and discern His voice. In order to hear God, we need to make sure that any barriers or walls that we have placed up have been stripped away. Forgiveness is a very important element to this process. If we have other people or even ourselves that we need to forgive, it is difficult to approach a level of vulnerability where we can detect God’s voice. Beholding the beauty of God and the uniqueness of His plans for all of His creation is such an incredible thing. Life brings so many ups and downs, failed dreams or discomforts, unexpected events and negative relationships. It is so tough to know how to navigate all of the mess sometimes. I have been challenged by God to really take time to process through such things and to view the “no’s” in life as a shaping tool in order to either become who I need to become, or to emerge down the path that was set before me.

Society says that I need to have things figured out by the time I am 25 so that I can become successful, avoid as many hardships as possible and begin my life in the American dream. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like being put into a box. Some people may look at my life and think “man she got married so young, what a waste” or “wow she is 25 and hasn’t even started her ‘career'”. I can tell you with all honesty that nothing has taught me more about the sweetness and greatness of love like being married to Daniel. My life has become so much greater because I have a partner to help me through all of the rough encounters. In the same way, I have become so much bolder and expressive because of this time of growth before embarking on a “career” and by struggling to find out on which path I belong. The thing I am learning the most now is that when I feel distance from God, it is because I placed it there, not because He isn’t listening to me or doesn’t care about me. If I take the time to discern His voice in the midst of this crazy life, I can enjoy some of the greatest blessings I have been bestowed and I can find a friend in a world where there are far too many enemies.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2 ESV

Until next time,

Karly