Psalm 139:13-16
13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
One of the hardest things I have ever done is self-reflect. We have so many layers, so many bandaids and false patterns of thinking and lies we have been told or told ourselves that layer upon each other and create a hard, man-made exterior. One of the tools I have been given to unpack these layers is called the Enneagram. It is a very popular tool, and one that has been extremely helpful for me and my family as well. It digs deep into the well of human thought and patterns of behavior and links us to those who see the world in similar ways. It also educates us on how other people see the world differently.
God made each of us to reflect certain aspects of Him, but in our fallen state we have twisted those into something that is not nearly as beautiful. The quality of God I reflect most is peacefulness or peacemaking, which sounds wonderful, right? Well it is when I am in a healthy place, but it can look like something very ugly when I am not. You see, what this means is that I don’t like conflict. At all. Therefore, I avoid it at all costs. Sometimes I “merge” with other people’s opinions in the moment, in order to keep the peace. Other times I get confused about what I actually think about a certain subject, because I cannot think clearly if someone else is very passionately stating their case. If a conflict gets heated, you might as well forget it because I’m out, meaning I will still be in the room, but I sure as heck am not putting in my two cents. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have strong convictions or things that I believe to the core of my being, it simply means I don’t often share those things in order to keep the peace if they conflict with someone else’s opinions. This does not mean that I am incapable of offending people. In fact, I do that often because I so often avoid conflict that I find it hard to be up front with people. The person on the receiving end of my passivity ends up confused or hurt when I begin avoiding them or use some other less direct way of coping with my conflict with them.
Self-reflection is a funny thing. You have to muddle through the weeds before you can see glimpses of a much more healthy version of you. Now that I am aware of the aforementioned patterns of behavior, I do not have to stay there in the weeds. Now, I can be aware of when I am doing those things and learn new patterns of behavior. WOOHOO! When in health, I am capable of mediating conflicts well and I can be very gentle when approaching someone with a tough word or something challenging. I can be very easygoing, meaning you will almost always get your pick of the restaurant, and can be a friend to most people.
These are just a small part of the things I have learned about myself. Here’s the thing. The Lord already knows all of the messy parts and all of the fallacies we have created and all the harmful lies we believe about ourselves AND HE LOVES US ANYWAY. He knit us together, He chose us from the beginning of time and His works are wonderful. You, my friend, are one of those works. In order to become more like Him, you must be honest with yourself about who you really are. What I have shared about myself above, is just ONE of MANY messy facets that make up the complexity of my being. Self-reflection is a constant need. I have better days than others when I am directly addressing weaknesses that I have, but I do know that the Lord has been there sanctifying me (making me look more like Jesus) every. single. day. Though we forget, we are not forgotten. Though we fall short, we do not fall away once we are in His fold. Though we clothe ourselves in lies and destructive behaviors, we are made right through the cross. I hope that you may find time to look deep into the mirror and reflect. Most of the time it is hard, grueling work, but it is so freeing and there is nothing more freeing than broken chains.
Until next time,
Karly
